Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
