between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
