The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
