the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
