What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Randomize
