Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
