paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
