Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
