I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
