i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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