my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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