thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
