The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i used baking grease as lip gloss
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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