the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
