i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
