half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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