I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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