if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
