Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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