she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
