ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
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