I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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