now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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