cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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