Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize