I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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