For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Sober January is a disaster.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
