We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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