I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
