You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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