mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
