You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
