I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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