I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I can't turn off my feet"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
