I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Naked Twister starts at high noon
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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