Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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