last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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