fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
