So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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