I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
