i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
