i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
