I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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