he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
