I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize