Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
