I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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