my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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