Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
