i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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