My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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