Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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