you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
