I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
