"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
