Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize