video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Houston, we have a squirter
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
